The Reality of Life as a First Responder: PTSD, Addiction & Grief with Thad McKain
- Klaudia Gebert
- Mar 24
- 5 min read
First responders run toward danger when the rest of us run away. They witness death, destruction, and suffering on a daily basis—and yet, they’re expected to keep moving forward, carrying the weight of each tragedy without breaking.
But what happens when that weight becomes unbearable?
For Thad McKain, a former firefighter, EMT, and Director of Emergency Operations from Colorado, the trauma accumulated over decades. He saw friends and neighbors die. He delivered devastating news to families. He turned to alcohol to cope, drowning the nightmares in a bottle. And when rock bottom finally hit, it came hard.
This episode of The Self Reflections Podcast is about the brutal reality of PTSD, addiction, grief, and the long road to healing. It’s about breaking free from the cycles that keep us trapped. And above all, it’s about hope.
If you’ve ever felt like the pain is too much to bear, Thad’s story is one you need to hear.
PTSD: The Invisible Wound of First Responders
We often hear about PTSD in the context of soldiers returning from war, but it’s just as prevalent—if not more so—among first responders. Firefighters, paramedics, police officers, and emergency workers don’t experience just onetraumatic event. They experience hundreds, often within the span of a career.
The brain isn’t designed to repeatedly process trauma without consequences. Over time, the nervous system becomes overactivated, making it difficult to differentiate between a past trauma and present reality. This is why many first responders experience:
Flashbacks and intrusive memories
Emotional numbness and detachment
Hypervigilance and difficulty relaxing
Trouble sleeping or intense nightmares
Mood swings, anger, or deep sadness
For Thad, the impact of PTSD was compounded by his deep connection to the people he was trying to save.
“I knew the people I was pulling out of wrecked cars. I knew the people I had to put in body bags.”
“Even if I wanted to move on, I couldn’t. The next day, someone would stop me at the grocery store and ask me about the scene... You can’t escape it.”
The worst part? The culture told him to just “deal with it.”
“The older guys locked it away. They drank. They numbed it. And I followed suit.”
Key Takeaway: PTSD isn’t just a mental struggle—it’s a physical one. The trauma rewires the brain, trapping people in a heightened state of stress. Left unaddressed, it leads to burnout, depression, addiction, and in many cases, suicide.
Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism: The Double-Edged Sword
When faced with overwhelming emotions, the brain craves relief. Many first responders turn to alcohol not because they enjoy it, but because it numbs the pain.
Alcohol works by suppressing the central nervous system, reducing feelings of stress and fear—at least temporarily. But over time, this backfires. The more alcohol is used, the more the brain struggles to regulate itself naturally, creating a vicious cycle:
Trauma triggers distress
Alcohol temporarily numbs emotions
Over time, tolerance builds, requiring more alcohol
The body becomes physically dependent
Trauma remains unprocessed, worsening PTSD symptoms
For Thad, drinking wasn’t just a habit—it was a necessity.
“I convinced myself I was fine. I told myself I wasn’t an alcoholic. But I was. The night I got my last DUI, my blood alcohol content was almost four times the legal limit.”
“I wasn’t just drinking to have fun—I was drinking to survive.”
His little brother, Jason, had already gotten sober and saw the path Thad was heading down. When Thad’s drinking finally shattered the last bit of trust his family had left, Jason stepped in.
“He was the one who saved me. He said, ‘I love you, but you can’t keep doing this. Let me help you.’”
Key Takeaway: Alcohol provides temporary relief, but in the long run, it worsens PTSD, increases depression, and leads to further isolation. Healing requires breaking the cycle.
The Day That Changed Everything: The Trauma of Sudden Loss
Trauma doesn’t always happen in an instant—it often builds over time, accumulating like layers of weight on the soul. But sometimes, one event shatters everything.
For Thad, that event was the loss of his brother, Jason.
“My sister-in-law called and said Jason hadn’t come home. He’d gone fly-fishing and never returned.”
“I drove through the night to get to Boulder. There were reports of someone in the river, but I kept hoping it wasn’t him.”
“And then, over the radio, I heard the words: ‘We’ve found a body.”
As a first responder, Thad had identified plenty of victims. But never like this.
“I identified my brother’s body while he was still in the river.”
“I had to make the calls—to my parents, to my family. The worst calls I’ve ever made in my life.”
Grief is already a heavy burden. But when combined with PTSD, it can feel suffocating.
Key Takeaway: Sudden loss is one of the most profound triggers for PTSD, especially when it involves someone we love. The brain struggles to process the reality, often leading to symptoms of dissociation, numbness, or panic.
Healing is Not Linear: The Long Road to Recovery
Many people assume that once someone chooses sobriety or therapy, things get better overnight. But healing isn’t a straight path—it’s a series of setbacks, relapses, and moments of deep self-reflection.
Thad had to rebuild his life from the ground up.
✔ He reconnected with his family.
✔ He returned to emergency response, on his own terms.
✔ He refocused his energy on helping others.
And now, he’s writing a book to share everything he’s learned.
“If my story can save even one person, it’s worth it.”
Key Takeaway: You don’t “move on” from trauma—you learn to carry it differently. You find meaning in the pain. And you keep going.
Final Thoughts: If You’re Struggling, Please Get Help
If you are battling PTSD, addiction, or grief, you are not alone.
Get help. You cannot do this alone.
Stay connected. Isolation only deepens the pain.
Find the right support. If the first therapist isn’t the right fit, keep looking.
Give yourself time. Healing isn’t about “getting over it”—it’s about learning how to live with it.
“You may have lost someone, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself too.”
Resources from this Episode
Connect with Thad:
📖 Thad’s upcoming book – stay tuned!
Check out other stories of resilience on our YouTube , Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
Join the Conversation
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Until next time, keep reflecting.
Warm wishes,
Klaudia Gebert
Self Reflections
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